Working title

An increasingly rare reader sends this question in to ask.mr.internet..."Dear Ask.Mr.Internet, I am interested in buying some dogs to force me out of my house on walks and getting some desperately needed exercise. What type of dogs should I buy?"

Excuse me...some dogs??? ask.mr.internet strongly advises NOT to do that. There may be some magical number of mutts that, when grouped together, could provide some isometric benefit but, generally speaking, any number beyond ONE is counter-productive! Let me give you an example of that using the following illustration:

On a recent walk (and I use that noun loosely) around the neighborhood with our THREE dogs I encountered a family of three also out for a morning walk with their ONE dog.

Of course it didn't bother me that my family was back ensconced in a warm house while I struggled through the ice and snow, but the sight of the three of them decked out in Lands End gear with their beautiful Golden Retriever trotting head-straight in front gave me pause. By the time my little pack made it to the end of the street...well, here's another illustration:

When I complain about the daily responsibility of dog walking I always hear back "how good it is for you"..."what great exercise"..."well, you'd just be sitting around the house watching TV". I think I'd get more exercise lifting the remote control.

from an interested reader comes this..."ask.mr.internet...what is meant by the term 'zero sum game'"?

Glad you asked! There's a wikipedia answer of course. But I wouldn't be ask.mr.internet if all I did was link to some online dictionary now would I? Sooooo...anyhoo

I was out walking the dogs today and happened to notice a neighbor busy at work CHOPPING WOOD!?! wtf? It's March 28th...certainly one of the prettiest (and warmest) days so far this spring:

OK, that's from last spring, but still....

So he's got this big pile of chopped wood beside him and I'm wondering - what would inspire a guy to spend a beautiful afternoon doing such a hideous thing? It could be he just bought a new axe or awl and couldn't wait to try out his new toy. Or, more likely he was simply working off some frustration. (Perhaps of a sexual nature as I know him to be a local minister. I mean I've got the greatest respect for the ministry, but I've always wondered...) Then again, maybe he's a Memphis Grizzlie fan? Maybe, gOd forbid, he's like an industrious squirrel industriously squirreling away his winter food.

Now if that's the case then that, my friend, is a zero sum game. He's forfeiting a perfectly beautiful spring day for payback on some blustery winter day 6 or 8 months from now.

I wouldn't be presumptuous enough to judge the merits of his efforts. For some - the 'live for today' of us- it's an effort that may not earn equivalent payback.  The more pragmatic ones out there look at it money in the bank...albeit with no interest. All I know is that's the BEST he can hope far. I am, by nature, an optimistic fellow. We optimists live in both worlds which can best be described as 'live for today for tomorrow may never come...and if it does, well, turn up the central heat'.

A welcomed guest posted the following question... "Ask.Mr.Internet, what's the BEST way to pop popcorn?" Well, rather than bore you with a lot of technical data I'll post my answer in graphical form. First, make sure you have the proper ingredients:



OK, a cooktop is certainly one of those. In this case, you'll have to clean a few things up first. No problem...



This is beginning to remind me of recent attempts to wash my own clothes. In order to proceed, first I must #1 gather up my dirty clothes and #2 put them in the washing machine. However, first #3 the washing machine must be emptied of wet clothes and #4 placed in the dryer. Opening the dryer door only confirms my suspicion that in order to proceed I must first #5 void the dryer of its load of dry clothes which, of course, requires I must #6 find the wicker laundry basket which, in keeping with the current theme, requires that I #7 empty the wicker basket of dry clothes. In a bastardized form of FORTRAN, it looks like this:

goto #1
goto #2
suspend #2
undo #1
goto #3
goto #4
suspend #4
undo #3
goto #5
suspend #5
goto #6
goto #7
goto #1

I purposely left out #8 sorting and folding the dry clothes. I ran out of memory.

OK, this isn't working like I planned. This blog has been up since last evening and no one has asked Mr Internet ANYTHING!!

I've got lots of answers folks...just waiting on you to start asking the questions!